OLD HAIRY GAY MEN MOVIE
It was like being in a pornographic movie house in my mind. But that was enough to basically just flood my mind with aggressive pornographic images, just one after another. She might have an attractive quality-nice ankles or something-and the rest of her would be fairly unappealing to me. It was just, I would see a woman who was attractive-or not attractive. After testosterone, there was no narrative.
What's that book she's reading? I could talk to her. And I would see a woman on the subway and I would think, she's attractive. Before testosterone, I would be riding the subway, which is the traditional hotbed of lust in the city. The most overwhelming feeling is the incredible increase in libido and change in the way that I perceived women and the way I thought about sex. I feel utterly heartbroken and confused about who he has become. I should also add that my partner has struggled to maintain his sobriety & has been dealing with depression since starting T. He identifies as pansexual but is really only pursuing the grandpa demographic which I clearly don't fit. Is it possible that T has permanently changed my partner's sexual orientation this much? My compassionate, emotive, ethical partner who was always so GGG and pro-safe sex seems to have turned into, well, just some gross dude. He doesn't have any idea why he wants what he wants or if this is just a phase. He's noticeably less verbal and unable to identify his own emotions & intentions since starting T. He only admitted his behavior because his lies became too big for even him to keep track of. I have nothing against old hairy men (although definitely not my cup of tea), but using protection and disclosure to each other were on our list of boundaries.
The fact is, the only sex he seems interested in having is secretive, unprotected sex with old (60+), hairy, male strangers off Craigslist. I know I can pursue sex outside our relationship because we've always had an open-door policy, but I don't have any desire to be in a purely companionate relationship at age 30. I was begrudgingly ok with this, not because I'm opposed to fun outside our relationship, but because he doesn't currently have any desire to have sex with me. My partner expressed interest in hooking up with men after starting T six months ago (something he had done when female-identified but hated).